It's been a while...

I really can't say I haven't had anything to say, I just didn't know how to say it. A lot has happened since I last  posted, and I'm still on the journey to (attempt to) find myself. Lately I've been wondering what that term means. It's thrown around anywhere and everywhere yet no one seems to fully comprehend its meaning. To find something must mean it must have been lost, right? Well guess that applies to me. I grew up never really finding the opportunity to define myself, at least not the way I wanted to. I wanted to be popular, but I wanted time to myself as well, I wanted to be liked, but didn't make myself very likable, I wanted to be wild, but I wanted to be innocent as well. This led to many wrong decisions and a web of confusion that constituted my teen years. Once I hit 20, I thought things would be different; like I'd just miraculously wake up and everything would be renewed, revamped and I guess 'found'. Obviously, I soon realised that this was just a myth, life can't be and will never be that simple. Instead, I had more bad relationships, more bad decisions, more guilt. I thought I could live my life through other people, but I couldn't do that either. I thought finding someone to fill my void would help, but it didn't. Last year my boyfriend and I broke up after 2 and a half years together. I was devastated. I felt lost and confused, until I realised that we could never work because I had been using him to make me feel good about myself, hoping that he'd show me how to be who I always wanted to be. The truth is, you can't find yourself through someone else, no one can ever be that guide you are looking for. The whole point of this journey is to do it yourself. I may not be at that point yet, but at least I'm no longer fooling myself. Personal responsibility for a personal journey. -TM

“We wander, question. But the answer waits in each separate heart - the answer of our own identity and the way by which we can master loneliness and feel that at last we belong.” 
― Carson McCullers, The Mortgaged Heart: Selected Writings