It's been a while...

I really can't say I haven't had anything to say, I just didn't know how to say it. A lot has happened since I last  posted, and I'm still on the journey to (attempt to) find myself. Lately I've been wondering what that term means. It's thrown around anywhere and everywhere yet no one seems to fully comprehend its meaning. To find something must mean it must have been lost, right? Well guess that applies to me. I grew up never really finding the opportunity to define myself, at least not the way I wanted to. I wanted to be popular, but I wanted time to myself as well, I wanted to be liked, but didn't make myself very likable, I wanted to be wild, but I wanted to be innocent as well. This led to many wrong decisions and a web of confusion that constituted my teen years. Once I hit 20, I thought things would be different; like I'd just miraculously wake up and everything would be renewed, revamped and I guess 'found'. Obviously, I soon realised that this was just a myth, life can't be and will never be that simple. Instead, I had more bad relationships, more bad decisions, more guilt. I thought I could live my life through other people, but I couldn't do that either. I thought finding someone to fill my void would help, but it didn't. Last year my boyfriend and I broke up after 2 and a half years together. I was devastated. I felt lost and confused, until I realised that we could never work because I had been using him to make me feel good about myself, hoping that he'd show me how to be who I always wanted to be. The truth is, you can't find yourself through someone else, no one can ever be that guide you are looking for. The whole point of this journey is to do it yourself. I may not be at that point yet, but at least I'm no longer fooling myself. Personal responsibility for a personal journey. -TM

“We wander, question. But the answer waits in each separate heart - the answer of our own identity and the way by which we can master loneliness and feel that at last we belong.” 
― Carson McCullers, The Mortgaged Heart: Selected Writings

Transition

I wrote this poem as a description of something I'm sure many other people go through. I struggled to fit in my whole life and it reached a point where I felt so alone that I condemned myself to a life of sadness. The 'transition'is me realising that maybe we weren't all meant to fit in, but that doesn't mean that we can't still be happy.

I may not be perfect
No, not as far as I  can see
Held back by all my insecurities
Choked by society's needs;
Caught up in wanting more, senseless greed.

Failing to please everyone
Yes even myself.
Trying too hard to fit in, losing myself.
Thinking I couldn't change the pain I felt
Struggling to reach out and find help.

Perfection is unattainable,
Never reaching it inevitable.
Although I thought I had it in my grasp
I was holding onto a broken clasp
Knowing I couldn't reach it, a meaningless task.

Accepting now that I won't fit in-
At least not the way I wanted to.
Loneliness seemed to be the only road I could run to
Sadness the only emotion I would turn to.
But choosing happiness is what I'll do.

Finding Yourself

Life is all about self-discovery, getting rid of the old and replacing the new, or rather modifying the old. As the end of the year is fast approaching, once again I realise that I haven't kept a single New Year's Resolution. Every year I write a long list of things I want to do, I imagine myself breaking out of my shell, becoming more sociable, funny, exciting. Giving back more, finding a hobby, maybe learning to play an instrument or running a marathon. The options seem limitless, but I tend to get caught up in life and find myself slowly letting go of each and every one of those goals. During this year, I learnt that life isn't about long lists or ticking off check-boxes. It's about living in the moment, not in a negative sense but allowing situations and circumstances to build you. When faced with adversity and difficulty, you learn to build strength and resilience, you learn to adapt and in adapting, you grow. Maybe you won't become a world-class football player or save the planet, but small steps will get you somewhere.

INTRO

I was never interested in blogs, well at least not until recently. I guess I needed a place to voice my thoughts and this seems to be the perfect platform. See I used to accept a lot of things, I never questioned anything for fear of things getting complicated. I was passive, I thought about a lot but never had the courage to say anything. Now, I think it's time to say what I want to say, maybe someone will connect with it. If not, all that matters to me is that I made an effort to step out of my comfort zone. I know that counts for something.